Replacing BUT with AND

In the last few years, I have been working on a shift to replace the word “but” with the word “and.” It sounds like such a small change, but and it can make a huge difference in how you approach life. Compare these two sentences, and their underlying tone:

• I’d love to help with the project, but I’m too busy. (My answer is no. Go away.)
• I’d love to help with your project, and I’m too busy. (Hmmm, I really am too busy, aren’t I? How could I re-prioritize so that I have more time to spend doing what I want to do?)

 The word “but” shuts down my thinking, and it becomes much harder to look at alternatives. Using “and” lets me look at my objection not as an impediment but simply the current state of affairs. “I would love to help. I’m too busy [to help with your project].”

Expressing it this way makes it clear that I have a choice. I can change how my time is being spent so that I can help on the project. Alternatively, I can recognize that I do not want (or don’t want to figure out how) to change how I spend my time in order to accommodate the project. If the latter is the case, then a more positive and productive response to the request might be “My schedule is really full right now with commitments I’ve already made. Would you like to set up a time when we can meet and brainstorm for an hour about your project?” Just like that, I have shifted from an unequivocal NO to wondering how I could help while keeping my time for other priorities.

Comments

[Michele Bate]

That's an excellent way of sounding more positive, even when offering a refusal! I like the idea of turning round the eventual response - it comes down to being mindful and thinking for a moment before answering, rather than just blurting out your first reaction of "no".

The other speech pattern I've made a conscious effort to change is starting sentences with "Well..." It sounds so defensive - try listening to politicians put on the spot in interviews.

[Arthur Weiss]

I sometimes do a training exercise where I ask pairs of people to arrange a holiday together. For one group, person one makes a suggestion. person 2 then responds and has to use the word "but" in their response. The second group does the same thing using the word "and". (Or you can do the same thing with "but" the first time and then repeat using "and").

The "but" groups never go on holiday - as there are too many problems keeping them at home. The"and" groups often arrange really interesting holidays with lots of detail on how, where, when and what they'll be doing/going.